leftovers.

Why am I afraid of losing you when you aren’t even mine?

Where is the anchor? Who’s the idiot in charge of the sails? This ship is veering off course… there is nothing to attach it to the sea floor. Please… find me the anchor… help me with these ropes… our boat is drifting towards the storm!

I don’t wanna lose you now…

Today… I felt the earth spin. I felt time tick by… I literally felt every second beat within my fibers. Today… I learned that every action has a reaction. Today… I felt the brush of death against my face, caught a subtle glimpse of my life flash before my eyes. I realized that thinking about “what ifs” could swell the saddest emotions in me. Tonight… I question why things happen for a reason. 

When I rode back from Tampa tonight, I looked up at the black sky and lonely stars that twinkled above the vacant pastures and miles of deserted highways. As I peered at them I asked inwardly: Why did this happen? What could I have done differently to prevent what happened? Why wasn’t I dead by now? I sort of marveled at the fact that everything around me, the trees, the stars, the gaping night, the tide in Clearwater Beach, my house, my dog, would all still be here… behaving just the same no matter what could have happened to me. Indifferent to my puny existance. 

Oh, sorry… I suppose you are wondering what happened to me today. Well, I got into a car accident. There was heavy traffic on the highway and right before I reached my exit, I made the mistake of letting my eyes stray off for three seconds.    When i fixed my eyes back on the road again I saw that the car in front of me had stopped. Instantly I slammed on the breaks… but when you’ve been going 80mph… it was a tough thing to do. I rammed the car in front of me. The seat belt caught my fall and pushed me back… I began stuttering…muttering…whispering: “this did not just happen, this did not just happen, this is a fucking dream, it is a dream.”

That seat belt… it saved my life. I knew I wouldn’t have made it if it wasn’t for that great contraption. This is my religious side speaking… but its hold on me was so powerful that I felt as if maybe… an angel was there? I am a person who believes in the power of scientific evidence… but I also believe that there are things out in this world that we cant explain with numbers and measurements. So… that seat belt… hah… it wasn’t my savior… It was my angel. (Sidenote: I have a little cross danging from the front mirror….. I also believe that that was my lucky charm so to speak).

I could have sworn that my life flashed before my eyes too… I was greeted by a brief memory of my old apartment in Orlando, I was in the playground… up in the tree house that the apartment complex had. I could see the bright yellow slide… the one I would always hide in when my mom called for me to come home. I also saw my marching band years whiz by in a flash.. I saw Marli’s face… Kevin’s… My roommates. I remembered my first day of college. 

Ok ok, I should relax right? Everyone’s had their first car accident right? Not a big deal right? I should just learn from this experience and move the hell on with my life. But I cant, not now. I’m not ready….

I feel like bursting into tears… because I was so close to death. And so close to avoiding this whole catastrophe if I had left an earlier time from my house. Every minute counts people. Every little single action has an instant reaction. Its crazy how this world works… everything is connected.

And now… to rub salt into my wounds. I dissapointed my parents, lost my car, and set the stage up difficult times ahead with a boy… err man i’m falling for.

The deepest cut that still bleeds comes from the fact that I really dissapointed my parents. In an effort to take control of my freedom.. I had stolen away with the car. What hurts the most is that they got off work as soon as I reluctantly called them and told them about my situation. They drove an hour and forty minutes to come get me. My dad… whatta a sweetheart.. he kept assuring me that everything would be fine and would ask again and again if I was ok… if I needed asprin. But I could still tell that my actions had pained him. And my mother? she fired away… talking about honesty and how I could have died… I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from arguing back. I had to breath and keep calm. I’m thinking about painting her something… do some extra chores around the house… I feel rotten seeing her like this… so rotten… I hear them talking now from the living room… I’ve never felt this ashamed… ever

Lost my car… that’s the other thing… Perhaps I wont have it for my third year of college after all.

Hah… and now with no car… I will not be able to see, touch, or hear the man who’s turned my world upside down. He’s pretty incredible you know? Like… I’ve never met another just quite like him. He’s intelligent, a listener, honest, an incredible bowler and basketball player, hilarious, caring, and astonishingly handsome. But that just scratches the surface. Please believe me when you hear me say this… I don’t think i’ll ever meet someone else like this guy. Something about him… maybe everything about him draws me closer each and every time. I’ve known him for six months now.. yet it feels like he’s been with me for way much longer than that. His stories… his past.. it thrills me… Our friendship is on another totally different level than what I’m used to with guys I’ve liked and dated in the past. I could go on and on about him, but I dont wanna drift off tangent more than I already have.

Yeah, so now I will have to face the uncertainty of a long distance “friendship” with this guy. This accident just jepordized my ability to see him this summer. Keeping close with him will be the hardest… saddest thing i’ll have to endure. Even before, (when summer break started) when I used to see him twice a week, it was tough.

 Because I left a few minutes late… because I decided to change the radio station… because I decided to travel at 80mph… I’ve hung our friendship over a fiery pit of hell… 

I was suppose to be in his bed tonight, curled in his arms… but no… life, with that clever… cynical… mysterious grin on its face decided to send me off into a new path.

The “what ifs”… they’re killing me. Shredding my heart bit by bit. I feel like I’m trapped in some awful nightmare. How is was this orchestrated so awfully perfectly? I’ll scribble this important question down and ask our great father in the sky when I meet him someday…